If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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