did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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