were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
