At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She announced her abortion via fbk
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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