Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
