my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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