The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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