happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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