I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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