Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
