butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
