There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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