I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize