you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
