i already hear my dad disowning me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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