Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
