So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
