you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
