Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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