this beer tastes like vomit already
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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