it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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