mondays should just be called national damage control day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
