So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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