I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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