Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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