how can u be prego again
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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