ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
