im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
