You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
