I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
