i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
