She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
