gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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