she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
