he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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