im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
