I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
