I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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