I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
