New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
