It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
