My friends, they love my intelligence
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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