no you cant smoke seaweed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
