my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
