you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
