Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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