I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
