allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
