If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize