I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
