All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You were trust falling into bushes
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
