saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
