Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
