Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
