there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
