I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
